WE'RE NUMBER 17!

At long last, I've learned why my heavy-handed, take-no-prisoners style of investigative journalism ("Chalk Dust: Going Up in Smoke?") hasn't exactly ignited my career. It's hard breaking the doors wide open when you work in the country ranked 17th in terms of press freedom.

Interestingly, the U.S.'s relatively poor ranking has nothing to do with the MSNBCNNAOLTIMEWARNERFOXDISNEYVH1-style consolidation of late. It has more to do with the growing number of cranky judges who, upon hearing a journalist refusing to divulge their sources, carefully consider the storied tradition of journalistic impartiality and the constitutional significance of the First Amendement -- and then throw them in jail. This is truly tragic, particularly since it hasn't happened to Geraldo or Ashleigh Banfield -- yet.

Meanwhile, the brutally oppresive regime to our north, Canada, ranked fifth in press freedom, while Finland, of all places, ranked first. Small wonder -- when I was writing about bundle-strappers and newsprint butt rolls at my last gig, I lived in constant fear of being scooped by those pesky Fins. Now I know why.