That’s my favorite line of dialogue (or come to think of it, it may be the only line of dialogue) from the overrated piece of dreck better known as The Matrix (which, as I describe elsewhere, is really just Tron without the day-glo suits).
But I digress. I mention this only because I got an e-mail from my own would-be Neo this evening, and it was so compelling it once again prompted me to lift my self-imposed ban on sharing spam messages:
Do you want the prestige of becoming a Certified Kung Fu Blackbelt??
Can you handle the respect that comes with the rank of Blackbelt??
IF YOU ANSWERED, "YES" TO BOTH OF THESE QUESTIONS, YOU ARE ONLY ONE PHONE CALL AWAY FROM ACHIEVING THE RANK OF KUNG FU BLACKBELT.
Hi, my name is [name withheld], and I am a 3rd degree Blackbelt Sifu Instructor. I have been a martial arts instructor my entire adult life. I am a decorated combat Vietnam Veteran and I received a purple heart for wounds received in combat. I currently own and operate a professional bodyguard agency for wealthy clients outside Orlando, Florida.
After years of study, I have developed a unique, easy to learn home study program. All you need to perform are the following stances:
1. Crane
2. Leopard
3. Praying Mantis
4. Dragon
5. Serpent
After performing the five animal stances and your fees processed, you will be awarded:
1. A FIRST DEGREE BLACKBELT in Kung Fu.
2. An official BLACKBELT CERTIFICATE with authentic seal with my original signature and the original signatures of two other Blackbelts.
3. A notarized certificate of authenticity.
4. A copy of my 3rd Degree BLACKBELT SIFU INSTRUCTOR CERTIFICATE, signed by a World Champion Grand Master, authorizing me, to certify you.
Simply purchase my course, learn five moves, and verify you can perform these stances by emailing me (ON YOUR HONOR) that you have completed the course and I WILL CERTIFY YOU AS FIRST DEGREE BLACKBELT...
To quote the Shakespearian thespian Sir Keanu Reeves, “Whoa.”
Fortunately, I think I’m ready for the respect that comes with the rank of blackbelt -- I mean, look how far it got Elvis. So here, in front of the entire world, I’m prepared to demonstrate my mastery of the five stances:
1. Crane (“Pay...”)
2. Leopard (“To...”)
3. Praying Mantis (“The...”)
4. Dragon (“Order...”)
5. Serpent (“Of...”)
Whoa, indeed.