WHY I LOVE MY JOB

It's stories like this that make the drive a quarter of the way around the Beltway worthwhile. (Note: registration probably required.)

My favorite line?

This being Fossil Ridge's first mummification, there were some mishaps.

As the Interweb net screen machine types like to say, read the whole darned thing.

UH-OH.

Sometimes I delve fairly deep into the realms of nerddom. And when I do, nothing good ever comes of it. Consider this, from the What Monty Python Character are you? online quiz.




Hmm. Maybe I could call myself the "Freedom Guard."

JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD IT ALL

Give Iraq democracy, yes, but there's one thing that's definitely not open to negotiation. This absolutely has to be the new Iraqi national anthem.

My favorite stanza:

IT MIGHT BE A SMART BOMB
THEY FIND STUPID PEOPLE TOO
AND IF YOU STAND WITH THE LIKES OF SADDAM
ONE JUST MIGHT FIND YOU

Download the mp3, or you're simply not a patriot. Or have you forgotten?

My head hurts.

YOU CAN'T GO HOME...

It's been more than a year since we moved away from our old Arlington neighborhood. And for the first time, I went back to the spot where I arguably spent most of my free hours during our time there: the friendly bizarro grocery store -- friendly, at least, to visitors from the alternate universe from which it presumably fell, landing in a clatter of bad '50s architecture along Wilson Boulevard.

Imagine all the conflicting emotions I felt as I walked through the doors, seeing the familiar sights, hearing the familiar sounds, and yes, smelling the familiar smell of rotting produce.

Of course, time stands still for no man, and for no grocery store. As I scanned the aisles, tears streaming liberally down my cheeks, I noticed a few new things. Everything seems to have been pushed closer together at some point. The headless pharmacist cutout was conspicuously absent. The back wall looked like it had received a fresh coat of paint at some point during the Bush Deux administration. And they had new signs hanging at the front of every aisle, all the better to direct the store's virtually nonexistent clientele to the definitely nonexistent product on the shelves.

Disorienting, yes. Then I saw this sign hanging in front of one aisle, and I knew all was right in the world.

Bread
and
Bread
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You can't go home, but you can shop there.

PREDICTABLE, BUT FUN

Okay, so maybe this is childish (not to mention a week or so behind the times), but I rather liked my own humble contribution to the cause.

In case you're wondering where the picture came from, thank another Right-Thinking American.

OH. MY. GOD.

Another letter from my newspaper alma mater. I'd love to be the guy writing the headlines for these things:

North's Civil War tactics like Hussein's

I have read your editorial regarding the statue of Lincoln in Richmond and I find it hard to believe that someone in your position is so poorly educated. Do you know anyone in the Sons of Confederate Veterans? Do you know what the SCV does? Apparently not, or you wouldn't have shot off your uneducated mouth. I strongly suggest you do some serious research and try reading some books which are not written with a Northern point of view and liberal slant. You may find that some of Saddam Hussein's tactics were derived from atrocities committed by the North during the Civil War. Try reading "The South Was Right" by the Kennedy brothers; if you can't find a copy, I can furnish you one. One other thing I would like to remind you of is that you are in the South now and statements such as that editorial are inflammatory. You could lose advertising, subscribers and readers -- that could be costly.

[name withheld]

And smile when you say that, boy!

HAPPY V-B DAY



One word: genius.

A MODEST PROPOSAL

For your perusal, a letter to the editor from a paper I used to work for. I'm assuming the editors came up with the nuanced headline:

End war quickly: Nuke Iraqi cities

The battle for Baghdad looms on the horizon. Coalition forces are poised to attack Baghdad, a city of 5 million people. Tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians will be killed. A military analyst recently said our military forces are expecting a 70 to 90 percent casualty rate should we go ahead with this invasion. Saddam Hussein has shown he will stop at nothing to defend his homeland and save himself... The time is now for the president to stop this war and bring every soldier home.

There is only one solution to the evil that is Saddam Hussein. I pray President Bush will take a cue from one of our great former presidents, Harry S. Truman, and attack Iraq with nuclear weapons.

We should give Saddam Hussein and his henchmen 24 hours to surrender unconditionally. When he does not, vaporize Basra. Then, like dominos, move north, destroying every major city, until only Baghdad is left. If Saddam does not get the message or his followers do not revolt, Baghdad will be only a dusty memory.

Many in the global community, in the current administration, and in Congress have called for careful "surgical" strikes to save the innocents of Iraq while putting our troops in grave danger. No Iraqi life is worth saving if it costs the life of one U.S. soldier.

[NAME WITHHELD]
Staunton

Wow. Note that the author prays that Bush will make this humanitarian decision. Wonder if he's a wolf collector who likes browsing the personals?

MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE HOMEFRONT...

Whenever I dare to leave the friendly duct-taped confines of my home, I've noticed that the variable message signs on the Beltway now include the friendly and not at all Orwellian message "HEIGHTENED HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT -- REPORT TERRORISM," followed by an 800 number. I guess I'll give them a ring if I pass a car with personalized plates that read LUVSADDAM.

Meanwhile, at the office, we recently received this message.

> >Our front door is locked again. Please carry your side door card with you.
> >Our current policy dictates that we lock the [deleted] door when the threat code rises above yellow.

I guess if anthrax is going to come in, it's just going to have to knock.

WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR

Sometimes, freedom isn't free. It's $19.95, plus shipping and handling.

Okay, so maybe I'm being one of those evil, cynical, Perrier-swilling, freedom fry-munching nellies. I must admit that looking into this lil' guy's Big Sad Eyes(tm), I get this warm glow inside, much like the night-vision shots from downtown Baghdad of late. And besides, isn't his fully automatic weapon JUST THE CUTEST DARNED THING?

If you can stomach it, there's also a cute 'lil Navy guy, with the same Big Sad Eyes. And if you flip through the pages of my favorite bastion of Right-Thinking journalism (plus James Brady!), Parade Magazine, you'll see a similar ad for an equally armed-to-the-teeth teddy bear.

Look, I'm an army brat, so I mean no disrespect to the military. I think these schlocky, creepily infantile "tributes" are doing a perfectly good job of just that all by themselves.