COLLECT 'EM ALL!

At long last, I'll have something to place on the mantle next to my Gulf War-era souvenir lighter depicting Bush the Elder dressed as Rambo standing atop the immortal slogan NO SLACK FOR IRAQ. Check out these fun collectors' cards.

Not only do I love the obvious propaganda value ("Kids need to understand that the President--and his team--will keep them safe and that evil-doers will be punished," says the breathless marketing copy), but I think these suckers will be the biggest eBay bait since people started entombing the tags on Beanie Babies in hermetically sealed plastic to preserve their value. I know I'll be going nuts, buying package after package until I get the elusive "FEMA Director Allbaugh Meets With Bush" and "German Police Search for Clues" cards (no, really -- they're on the checklist, along with the shots of cool jet fighters blowing stuff up that you'd expect).

I'm just a Right Thinking-American, mind you, and not a Madison Avenue marketing guru or anything. But what 9-year-old isn't going to scrimp and save his allowance until he can get his own "Transporation Secretary Norman Minetta" card to put between the spokes of his bicycle wheels?