BEER AND TP

So we're supposed to get a monster snowstorm here on the East Coast, and as usual the local TV stations are tweaking it up, interrupting their regularly scheduled programming for what I call the "beep of death," a high pitched series of beeps followed by a crawl that says something like WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY -- SNOW IS IMMINENT -- 40 PERCENT CHANCE OF HEAVY WINDS, DRIFTING AND CRACKS OF MOLTEN LAVA FORMING IN THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH. 30 PERCENT CHANCE OF DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER, END OF HUMANITY AS WE KNOW IT. STAY TUNED FOR DETAILS FOLLOWING "WILL AND GRACE."

So I'm sure when I go to our friendly neighborhood Bizarro ----way later today, there might actually be more than a half-dozen lost-looking souls wandering the aisles. Of course, I half think that one of the reasons people flood the stores right before a big snowstorm is because somewhere in the back of their minds, they think they might get to be on TV. After all, back in the unenlightened days before reality programming, just about the only way to become fleetingly famous was getting filmed standing in line at a grocery store, arms filled with bread, milk and toilet paper. Well, you could also take your shirt off and hope for a guest shot on "Cops," but that's more of a long shot.

And what an opportunity to share your unique worldview with your fellow global citizens. Here's a quote from a pre-snow grocery store interview a month or so back -- "We got beer, and we got toilet paper."

Hmm. Why not just tell the world, "Hi! We're going to drink, and then we're going to crap."