BIZARRO UPDATE
Just a quick update from my last report from the front line of the grocery wars -- the headless pharmacist was temporarily fixed with some clear electrical tape. Then it got moved to a spot of shame, near the back and next to a display of vaguely suspect bananas and the swinging doors leading to the back of the store.
But now it's gone altogether. Maybe behind that "employees only" sign is some sort of elephant graveyard, where defaced promotional cutouts go to die.
Or maybe there's just more rotting bananas.
Thursday, March 22, 2001
Monday, March 19, 2001
BACK TO BIZARRO ----WAY
Okay, back to the original point of this sorry excuse for an edgy, postironic log -- namely recording for all posterity the strange goings-on at our decidedly creepy neighborhood grocery store.
So it's Saturday night, a few minutes before close, and I'm wandering the aisles of the store. And I come upon one of the many life-size cardboard cutouts of pharmacists they've scattered throughout the Bizarro ----way. Presumably the idea is that when you're standing in the crackers aisle, trying to decide whether the Triscuits are worth 89 cents more than the house-brand Woven Wheat Thins(tm), you see the pharmacist cutout out of the corner of your eye and suddenly remember, "Oh! Almost forgot to pick up a spare refill of Prozac." It's what they call the "impulse buy" in the action-packed retail world, and let me tell you, nothing screams "impulse" more than federally regulated medications that require a prescription from a licensed medical professional.
But as always, I digress. So I catch the cutout out of the corner of my eye, and I notice one little thing, no big deal: It doesn't have a head. Okay, so maybe I'm a grownup and that shouldn't freak me out. But then, you haven't been in this particular store a few minutes before close when the only other person in the store is standing in front of the wine section, jaw agape, and hasn't moved in about 5 minutes.
All in all, it was about par for the course for a Saturday night.
Okay, back to the original point of this sorry excuse for an edgy, postironic log -- namely recording for all posterity the strange goings-on at our decidedly creepy neighborhood grocery store.
So it's Saturday night, a few minutes before close, and I'm wandering the aisles of the store. And I come upon one of the many life-size cardboard cutouts of pharmacists they've scattered throughout the Bizarro ----way. Presumably the idea is that when you're standing in the crackers aisle, trying to decide whether the Triscuits are worth 89 cents more than the house-brand Woven Wheat Thins(tm), you see the pharmacist cutout out of the corner of your eye and suddenly remember, "Oh! Almost forgot to pick up a spare refill of Prozac." It's what they call the "impulse buy" in the action-packed retail world, and let me tell you, nothing screams "impulse" more than federally regulated medications that require a prescription from a licensed medical professional.
But as always, I digress. So I catch the cutout out of the corner of my eye, and I notice one little thing, no big deal: It doesn't have a head. Okay, so maybe I'm a grownup and that shouldn't freak me out. But then, you haven't been in this particular store a few minutes before close when the only other person in the store is standing in front of the wine section, jaw agape, and hasn't moved in about 5 minutes.
All in all, it was about par for the course for a Saturday night.
Tuesday, March 13, 2001
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Who says you can't learn anything from the 'Net? Here's an excellent example of a piece of business correspondence. Note the opening and closing sentences, which I plan to append to all of my voluminous correspondence with the Columbia House Record Club and other financial interests.
Who says you can't learn anything from the 'Net? Here's an excellent example of a piece of business correspondence. Note the opening and closing sentences, which I plan to append to all of my voluminous correspondence with the Columbia House Record Club and other financial interests.
Thursday, March 08, 2001
ERRATA
A while back, I offered a link to an architect’s drawing of the eerily phallocentric Clinton library. It’s been brought to my attention that a number of revised architectual sketches have since been posted [1] [2].
We regret the errors.
A while back, I offered a link to an architect’s drawing of the eerily phallocentric Clinton library. It’s been brought to my attention that a number of revised architectual sketches have since been posted [1] [2].
We regret the errors.
Monday, March 05, 2001
FWD: FWD: PERSONAL TRIVIA
Okay, I generally don't forward these suckers, but there's enough of a
personal (read narcissistic) element to this that I'll break my own rule.
---
Subject: Okay, here's what you're supposed to do. COPY (don't forward) this
entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all
of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch
of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is
that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends.
1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT?
Rented townhaus, though the rats in the backyard are free. We keep trying to
move, but there appears to be a global conspiracy to keep us put.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Didn't you know? I can't read.
Happily, a volunteer trying to fulfill their community service obligation is
reading me The Professor and the Madman and Confederacy of Dunces (for the
third, maybe fourth time).
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I use a Powerbook G3 laptop, so no mousepad.
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Don't think I have one.
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE
TechNews, the NAA Magazine of Newspaper Operations. The cartoon in the
back's always a hoot.
6a. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Napalm in the morning. Alternately, gingerbread.
6b. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS?
Gingerbread. Alternately, napalm in the morning.
7. FAVORITE SOUND?
"Mark, they optioned your novel!"
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
Dealing with people with no sense of humor.
9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
"Is this the rapture?"
10. FAVORITE COLOR?
Silver, which come to think of it is kind of an absence of color. That
probably speaks volumes about me.
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
Yeah, right. Like anyone ever calls me.
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
Junior -- and not "Mark Toner Jr." but "Junior Toner."
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
Sharing laughter with friends and loved ones (cue cheesy music).
14. FAVORITE FOODS?
Sushi. Gnocchi. Just about anything else that ends with an "i" (except maybe
kimchi).
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Sure.
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
Yep. And upside down, too.
17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Depends on whether Aimee's decided to stack all of hers in our bed that
evening.
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?
Cool.
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
1980 Ford Mustang, with bitchin' mag wheels (not my choice, but hey --
chicks dug 'em)
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE?
Maybe James Joyce. Maybe David Letterman. Definitely Werner Klemperer (may
he rest in peace).
21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
A good Oregon pinot noir. God, that sounds pretentious.
22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
Taurus. But as they used to say in the 70s, I was "born on the cusp," baby.
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Anything that George Bush the Elder doesn't like couldn't be half bad.
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Game show host.
25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR?
Purple. I wouldn't want to be conspicuous.
26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Yep. (cue sitcom-like "Awwwwww......")
27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
What glass?
28. FAVORITE MOVIES:
Movies? Is that where you go in the big dark room and they show the pictures
on the wall?
Sorry -- having a toddler can do that to you. Let's see... Raising Arizona,
Heathers, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (my Geek Trilogy). More recently
("recently" being a relative term), the Opposite of Sex, Waiting for
Guffman, Run Lola Run. Classics? Patton, Citizen Kane, Fritz Lang stuff, and
I'm probably forgetting about a million others (again, credit the
toddler/short-term memory thing). And Tangerine (though only Sheila will get
that one).
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
My coworkers are convinced I type with my fists -- I manage to be noisy and
inaccurate at the same time.
30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
My clown suit and art supplies.
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
INT (a*b)2 + cos(pi)2, to the 14th decimal place
32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Live, curling. On television, women's billiards (on very late at night on
ESPN2).
33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:
Sheila -- for a lawyer and a Reston native, she turned out alright.
34. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
fifi@bustynuns.com
35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
president@whitehouse.gov
36. FAVORITE THING TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME.
Fill out and forward chain e-mails to my friends.
37. LAST BIG TICKET ITEM YOU PURCHASED
Big honkin' SUV. I'm embarrassed by this, but with W. in power it won't be
long before we have another Gulf War and gas prices plummet again. Then I'll
be driving to national parks and leaving the thing idling for weeks at a
time.
38. FAVORITE PLACE YOU'VE VISITED.
Paris. I hear the one that isn't in Nevada is nice, too.
39. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. I KNOW I'M GETTING OLD WHEN.......
...I actually take the time to fill out and forward chain e-mails to my
friends.
Okay, I generally don't forward these suckers, but there's enough of a
personal (read narcissistic) element to this that I'll break my own rule.
---
Subject: Okay, here's what you're supposed to do. COPY (don't forward) this
entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all
of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch
of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is
that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends.
1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT?
Rented townhaus, though the rats in the backyard are free. We keep trying to
move, but there appears to be a global conspiracy to keep us put.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Didn't you know? I can't read.
Happily, a volunteer trying to fulfill their community service obligation is
reading me The Professor and the Madman and Confederacy of Dunces (for the
third, maybe fourth time).
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I use a Powerbook G3 laptop, so no mousepad.
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Don't think I have one.
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE
TechNews, the NAA Magazine of Newspaper Operations. The cartoon in the
back's always a hoot.
6a. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Napalm in the morning. Alternately, gingerbread.
6b. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS?
Gingerbread. Alternately, napalm in the morning.
7. FAVORITE SOUND?
"Mark, they optioned your novel!"
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
Dealing with people with no sense of humor.
9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
"Is this the rapture?"
10. FAVORITE COLOR?
Silver, which come to think of it is kind of an absence of color. That
probably speaks volumes about me.
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
Yeah, right. Like anyone ever calls me.
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
Junior -- and not "Mark Toner Jr." but "Junior Toner."
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
Sharing laughter with friends and loved ones (cue cheesy music).
14. FAVORITE FOODS?
Sushi. Gnocchi. Just about anything else that ends with an "i" (except maybe
kimchi).
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Sure.
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
Yep. And upside down, too.
17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Depends on whether Aimee's decided to stack all of hers in our bed that
evening.
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?
Cool.
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
1980 Ford Mustang, with bitchin' mag wheels (not my choice, but hey --
chicks dug 'em)
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE?
Maybe James Joyce. Maybe David Letterman. Definitely Werner Klemperer (may
he rest in peace).
21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
A good Oregon pinot noir. God, that sounds pretentious.
22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
Taurus. But as they used to say in the 70s, I was "born on the cusp," baby.
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Anything that George Bush the Elder doesn't like couldn't be half bad.
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Game show host.
25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR?
Purple. I wouldn't want to be conspicuous.
26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Yep. (cue sitcom-like "Awwwwww......")
27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
What glass?
28. FAVORITE MOVIES:
Movies? Is that where you go in the big dark room and they show the pictures
on the wall?
Sorry -- having a toddler can do that to you. Let's see... Raising Arizona,
Heathers, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (my Geek Trilogy). More recently
("recently" being a relative term), the Opposite of Sex, Waiting for
Guffman, Run Lola Run. Classics? Patton, Citizen Kane, Fritz Lang stuff, and
I'm probably forgetting about a million others (again, credit the
toddler/short-term memory thing). And Tangerine (though only Sheila will get
that one).
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
My coworkers are convinced I type with my fists -- I manage to be noisy and
inaccurate at the same time.
30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
My clown suit and art supplies.
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
INT (a*b)2 + cos(pi)2, to the 14th decimal place
32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Live, curling. On television, women's billiards (on very late at night on
ESPN2).
33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:
Sheila -- for a lawyer and a Reston native, she turned out alright.
34. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
fifi@bustynuns.com
35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
president@whitehouse.gov
36. FAVORITE THING TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME.
Fill out and forward chain e-mails to my friends.
37. LAST BIG TICKET ITEM YOU PURCHASED
Big honkin' SUV. I'm embarrassed by this, but with W. in power it won't be
long before we have another Gulf War and gas prices plummet again. Then I'll
be driving to national parks and leaving the thing idling for weeks at a
time.
38. FAVORITE PLACE YOU'VE VISITED.
Paris. I hear the one that isn't in Nevada is nice, too.
39. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. I KNOW I'M GETTING OLD WHEN.......
...I actually take the time to fill out and forward chain e-mails to my
friends.
Saturday, March 03, 2001
BEER AND TP
So we're supposed to get a monster snowstorm here on the East Coast, and as usual the local TV stations are tweaking it up, interrupting their regularly scheduled programming for what I call the "beep of death," a high pitched series of beeps followed by a crawl that says something like WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY -- SNOW IS IMMINENT -- 40 PERCENT CHANCE OF HEAVY WINDS, DRIFTING AND CRACKS OF MOLTEN LAVA FORMING IN THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH. 30 PERCENT CHANCE OF DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER, END OF HUMANITY AS WE KNOW IT. STAY TUNED FOR DETAILS FOLLOWING "WILL AND GRACE."
So I'm sure when I go to our friendly neighborhood Bizarro ----way later today, there might actually be more than a half-dozen lost-looking souls wandering the aisles. Of course, I half think that one of the reasons people flood the stores right before a big snowstorm is because somewhere in the back of their minds, they think they might get to be on TV. After all, back in the unenlightened days before reality programming, just about the only way to become fleetingly famous was getting filmed standing in line at a grocery store, arms filled with bread, milk and toilet paper. Well, you could also take your shirt off and hope for a guest shot on "Cops," but that's more of a long shot.
And what an opportunity to share your unique worldview with your fellow global citizens. Here's a quote from a pre-snow grocery store interview a month or so back -- "We got beer, and we got toilet paper."
Hmm. Why not just tell the world, "Hi! We're going to drink, and then we're going to crap."
So we're supposed to get a monster snowstorm here on the East Coast, and as usual the local TV stations are tweaking it up, interrupting their regularly scheduled programming for what I call the "beep of death," a high pitched series of beeps followed by a crawl that says something like WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY -- SNOW IS IMMINENT -- 40 PERCENT CHANCE OF HEAVY WINDS, DRIFTING AND CRACKS OF MOLTEN LAVA FORMING IN THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH. 30 PERCENT CHANCE OF DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER, END OF HUMANITY AS WE KNOW IT. STAY TUNED FOR DETAILS FOLLOWING "WILL AND GRACE."
So I'm sure when I go to our friendly neighborhood Bizarro ----way later today, there might actually be more than a half-dozen lost-looking souls wandering the aisles. Of course, I half think that one of the reasons people flood the stores right before a big snowstorm is because somewhere in the back of their minds, they think they might get to be on TV. After all, back in the unenlightened days before reality programming, just about the only way to become fleetingly famous was getting filmed standing in line at a grocery store, arms filled with bread, milk and toilet paper. Well, you could also take your shirt off and hope for a guest shot on "Cops," but that's more of a long shot.
And what an opportunity to share your unique worldview with your fellow global citizens. Here's a quote from a pre-snow grocery store interview a month or so back -- "We got beer, and we got toilet paper."
Hmm. Why not just tell the world, "Hi! We're going to drink, and then we're going to crap."
Friday, March 02, 2001
Paging Dr. Freud
Okay, I'm getting used to this genius style of writing... and who doesn't like beets? Charlene Tilton is a marvelous actress... I say that George W. is coming into his own... I could watch reruns of Who's the Boss? all night and all day, if sleep wasn't a biological requirement.
Enough, enough. Just a random thought about our lately departed president. Say what you will about the man, but he's got some giant cojones -- and I mean that literally. Check out the architect's drawing for his proposed presidential library.
Distinguishing characteristics, indeed.
Okay, I'm getting used to this genius style of writing... and who doesn't like beets? Charlene Tilton is a marvelous actress... I say that George W. is coming into his own... I could watch reruns of Who's the Boss? all night and all day, if sleep wasn't a biological requirement.
Enough, enough. Just a random thought about our lately departed president. Say what you will about the man, but he's got some giant cojones -- and I mean that literally. Check out the architect's drawing for his proposed presidential library.
Distinguishing characteristics, indeed.
Bizarro ----way
One of my reasons for doing this blog (and I have to come up with a better term for it, since to me a "blog" sounds like an intestinal dysfunction) is to archive the various attrocities that take place at our friendly neighborhood grocery store -- which is neither friendly nor, in the true sense of the word, a neighborhood place.
Let me explain. The people who shop there aren't from our neighborhood -- or any neighborhood on this side of the culture gap. And the, uh...amenities offered by this particular store doesn't exactly prompt people to say, "Honey? Let's hop in the car and drive across town in bumper-to-bumper traffic to get a gallon of milk." Which is good, because on the average day, they'll be completely out of milk. Or all meat. Or, say, all canned items with a picture of a tomato on them.
Between the grocery store's lack of... well, food, and the bizarre clientele (we joke that there must be a portal leading directly to some East Baltimore neighborhood), it's a pretty singular experience. We've taken to calling it Bizarro S---way ("ungh! Me no want food! Me go shopping!") and view our regular trips there as a sort of performance art. I'll start sharing stories soon.
Consider yourselves warned, especially if you're faint of heart -- or stomach.
One of my reasons for doing this blog (and I have to come up with a better term for it, since to me a "blog" sounds like an intestinal dysfunction) is to archive the various attrocities that take place at our friendly neighborhood grocery store -- which is neither friendly nor, in the true sense of the word, a neighborhood place.
Let me explain. The people who shop there aren't from our neighborhood -- or any neighborhood on this side of the culture gap. And the, uh...amenities offered by this particular store doesn't exactly prompt people to say, "Honey? Let's hop in the car and drive across town in bumper-to-bumper traffic to get a gallon of milk." Which is good, because on the average day, they'll be completely out of milk. Or all meat. Or, say, all canned items with a picture of a tomato on them.
Between the grocery store's lack of... well, food, and the bizarre clientele (we joke that there must be a portal leading directly to some East Baltimore neighborhood), it's a pretty singular experience. We've taken to calling it Bizarro S---way ("ungh! Me no want food! Me go shopping!") and view our regular trips there as a sort of performance art. I'll start sharing stories soon.
Consider yourselves warned, especially if you're faint of heart -- or stomach.
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