SLOWEST NEWS DAY. EVER.

I look forward to reading the newspaper on weekends. So as I skimmed the front page of The Washington Post this morning, what do I see? In the paper that brought down Nixon, a front-page article about a woman who tried to eat a 50-ounce steak (and failed, to save you the time of reading about 2,500 words of bland "local color"). You see, she's from Texas! It's a wacky, non-D.C.-like, place!

Okay, let's be fair. Maybe not much else is going on in the world. So let's flip to the Metro section. Surely in a city that Donald Rumsfeld just called statistically more dangerous than Baghdad, something interesting happened. Sure enough -- at the top of a page, a story about earthworms, and how the nonstop rain we've endured over the past few months is a Bad Thing for them. Maybe they could move to Iraq.

Remember, this is the paper of record in the nation's capital, the self-appointed watchdog of our public servants. They should be focusing on the big issues, the barnburners, the exposes -- oh, wait, I forgot to turn to the Style section. I stand corrected!