HIGHER EDUCATION

Good news. After years of fumbling around the Internet, I've finally received some instruction on how to do it correctly.

My wife the teacher recently took a distance-learning class on using the Internet in the classroom. Granted, that's a good thing, and granted, there are lots of teachers out there who need a little help understanding the technology. But still -- this was just sad. A section in the workbook dealt exclusively with using the browser's "back" button. (And no, the next section wasn't entitled "The Forward Button -- The Back Button's Sneaky Pal." But it could have been.) And then there were the videotapes -- these scary, staged workshops where wide-eyed teachers sit in fear as some California-type drones on about the marvels of Amazon.com.

Did I mention this is a master's-level course?

But as always, I digress. I found the assumption that teachers were all a bunch of ignorant technophobes a bit insulting, and I'm not even a teacher. And though I'm not taking the aforementioned class, I thought I'd write the required summary essay as if I was the person it was obviously intended for:

My Paper

Hey, what's up. Here's my paper. Or report. Or whatever. I sure enjoyed learning about this interweb net screen thing. I saw it on that show with the nerdy kid once, and I thought to myself, "Wow! That Interweb net screen thing can sure do a lot of things. I'll bet my students could use it to write really good term papers on my favorite science project: Spitting in cups."

So, I watched the tapes with my cats, Mr. Whiskers and Fluffums. They (the tapes, not the cats) were good. (It's hairball season.) They (again, the tapes, not the cats) were in color, unlike those crappy TV shows I had to watch growing up. Also, I didn't have to fiddle with the tracking on my 1979 Megtron(tm) Betamax very much. Also, there was a good "rapport" between the instructors and their students, who were--and this part just about made me bust a gut--also teachers. Teachers teaching teachers! I haven't laughed that hard since the last time Billy got himself in hot water in the Family Circus. I don't know, I think I might have had a crush on that one teacher with the scraggly beard and graying hair. He reminded me of someone I met at the militia outing in Idaho last summer. Or maybe I'm thinking of the swarthy, yet somewhat darkly exotic, one I wouldn't want to sit next to on an airplane, no matter what our great, God-fearing president tells us about not hating those folk who will burn in hell. Someday.

Anyway. I learned that the Inter Web screen has lots of interesting things for teachers. Like www.spankthenaughtyschoolboywithahickoryswitch.com. Also, I learned that that "AOL" thing they keep advertising during ER might have something to do with the Inter Web, but I don't know. Maybe I'll learn more when I get my Ph.D. in teaching and small motor repair. Do you have any videotapes for that?

In conclusion, I learned a lot. So Please give me a Master's Degree.

Sincerely,

Edna J. Thrackapple
Edumacator

PS. I forgot to rewind one of the videotapes before sending this in. You aren't going to dock me a letter grade, are you?

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll just wait for my honorary degree to come in the mail.

AMERICAN MADE

Don't worry, this isn't about to become one of the thousands of blogs with the same links to the same warmed-over stories about politics, etc. But this one is simply too good to pass up. From a Reuters article about a Bush speech in St. Louis:

Bush delivered his message in front of a fake wall of cardboard boxes stamped "Made in U.S.A." The real boxes, set to Bush's side, had their "Made in China" stamps blotted out.

The White House said it did not intend to cover up the markings on the boxes. "It appears it was an overzealous volunteer. We'll take it up with the appropriate channels," White House spokeswoman Claire Buchan said.

Our country's new motto? America: Made in China(tm).

THIS JUST IN: IRONY ISN'T DEAD

Just in case the jive-talking kangaroo movie that's currently at the top of the box-office charts isn't exactly your cup of tea, here's an example of some more hearty intellectual fare expected to hit the silver screen soon.

Never mind that the same august playwright -- it seems unfair to sully his artistic vision with the derogatory term "screenwriter" -- once planned a sequel to a well-received series of boxing movies in which he would box the devil himself; now he's planning to fight the terrestial Evil One(tm). But here's the funny part: In the last Rambo movie, didn't Sly fight with the Afghan muhjadeen against the evil Ruskies?

Who knows, maybe the movie will be a construct for a serious exploration of the complex geopolitical challenges of shifting ideologies. Or maybe it'll have a bunch of cool explosions. Either way, it brings new meaning to the dialogue, "Do we get to win this time?"

WOW! AN UPDATE!

Well, for the first time in what seems like a zillion years, I've actually updated some things on this site (including fixing a glitch that obscured the last half-dozen posts -- my bad). In case you want to know what I've been doing with my life of late, you could read this. But you're not missing much.

You may also notice some microscopic changes to the layout of these pages (again, you're not missing much), plus the addition of some recent reads, listens and views in the column on your left. You may notice those will change about as often as the aforelinked description of my life; in both cases it's because I don't get out much, folks.

Next up: Maybe, just maybe, some more actual updates, including some more pretentious pics. Who knows, maybe I'll put up the last two holiday newsletters as well, considering my index page still links to the one from 2000 (and that link might still be broken). Hey -- at least I'm within the margin of error of the millenium.