Good news. After years of fumbling around the Internet, I've finally received some instruction on how to do it correctly.
My wife the teacher recently took a distance-learning class on using the Internet in the classroom. Granted, that's a good thing, and granted, there are lots of teachers out there who need a little help understanding the technology. But still -- this was just sad. A section in the workbook dealt exclusively with using the browser's "back" button. (And no, the next section wasn't entitled "The Forward Button -- The Back Button's Sneaky Pal." But it could have been.) And then there were the videotapes -- these scary, staged workshops where wide-eyed teachers sit in fear as some California-type drones on about the marvels of Amazon.com.
Did I mention this is a master's-level course?
But as always, I digress. I found the assumption that teachers were all a bunch of ignorant technophobes a bit insulting, and I'm not even a teacher. And though I'm not taking the aforementioned class, I thought I'd write the required summary essay as if I was the person it was obviously intended for:
My Paper
Hey, what's up. Here's my paper. Or report. Or whatever. I sure enjoyed learning about this interweb net screen thing. I saw it on that show with the nerdy kid once, and I thought to myself, "Wow! That Interweb net screen thing can sure do a lot of things. I'll bet my students could use it to write really good term papers on my favorite science project: Spitting in cups."
So, I watched the tapes with my cats, Mr. Whiskers and Fluffums. They (the tapes, not the cats) were good. (It's hairball season.) They (again, the tapes, not the cats) were in color, unlike those crappy TV shows I had to watch growing up. Also, I didn't have to fiddle with the tracking on my 1979 Megtron(tm) Betamax very much. Also, there was a good "rapport" between the instructors and their students, who were--and this part just about made me bust a gut--also teachers. Teachers teaching teachers! I haven't laughed that hard since the last time Billy got himself in hot water in the Family Circus. I don't know, I think I might have had a crush on that one teacher with the scraggly beard and graying hair. He reminded me of someone I met at the militia outing in Idaho last summer. Or maybe I'm thinking of the swarthy, yet somewhat darkly exotic, one I wouldn't want to sit next to on an airplane, no matter what our great, God-fearing president tells us about not hating those folk who will burn in hell. Someday.
Anyway. I learned that the Inter Web screen has lots of interesting things for teachers. Like www.spankthenaughtyschoolboywithahickoryswitch.com. Also, I learned that that "AOL" thing they keep advertising during ER might have something to do with the Inter Web, but I don't know. Maybe I'll learn more when I get my Ph.D. in teaching and small motor repair. Do you have any videotapes for that?
In conclusion, I learned a lot. So Please give me a Master's Degree.
Sincerely,
Edna J. Thrackapple
Edumacator
PS. I forgot to rewind one of the videotapes before sending this in. You aren't going to dock me a letter grade, are you?
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll just wait for my honorary degree to come in the mail.