THE SCARIEST SENTENCE EVER UTTERED

Sometimes, one simple sentence is all it takes to shatter your faith in mankind, to make you question your basic assumptions about human nature.

This is not one of those sentences. But, as uttered by a friend of a friend, it's still pretty frightening (and not for the faint of heart; consider this your Code Orange alert from the John Ashcroft/EdMcMahon dynamic duo):

"Every time I get paid, I buy another sword."

Roll every part of that simple statement around in your mind for a moment. Just don't think about it for too long -- blood will start coming out of your ears.

NOW I’VE SEEN IT ALL

It’s been nearly six months since 9/11, but we can finally relax: all our troubles are over. But don’t thank me. Thank these two Right-Thinking Americans:



Yes, that is Ed McMahon with John Ashcroft. Apparently, calico cats may be the sign of the devil, but enlisting one-half of TV's Wacky Bloopers and Practical Jokes is the surefire way to stop terror dead in its tracks.

But wait, it gets better. The two are announcing that the Neighborhood Watch program is going to shift its energies from stopping burglaries and muggings to -- you guessed it -- fighting terror. Great, you say, but how is that one slightly overinvolved middle-aged guy with the flashlight and the magnetic Neighborhood Watch sign slapped onto the side of his late-model station wagon going to infiltrate a sophisticated cell of operatives trained to blend into society until it’s time to strike?

Simple. There’s a pamphlet, which includes the following useful advice:

Those who should be reported includes anyone "who claims membership in an organization that espouses killing innocent people."

Someone had better warn the Rotary Club.